Saturday, September 29, 2012

Work To Bring Life Back In Your Marriage

In today's world it seems like there is never enough time in our day to accomplish everything that we would like to. Between the responsibilities that we have of raising a family, succeeding at work and keeping up with our own busy schedules, nurturing our marriage can easily move down on our list of priorities. Each Married Life live event is presented around one of the following Six Essentials of a Healthy Marriage. Trust God – We believe the number one essential is to allow God to control our lives and our marriages. Cultivate Communication – Feeling understood in your marriage is one of the greatest feelings a couple can have, yet feeling misunderstood can be one the greatest challenges in your marriage. We believe that good communication is a major component of a healthy marriage and we to help you to have great communication with your spouse. Nurture Romance – The power of romance and intimacy can be a marriages greatest ally or it can become its greatest enemy. We want to help couples recognize that we each have unique needs and remember that our spouse has unique needs as well. Celebrate Differences – God created men and women to be totally different. As couples we can use those differences to complement and serve each other or we can allow our difference to push us apart. We believe that couples should seek to understand, love and accept each other's differences. Hurry Home – Spend time together as a family is an important priority in a successful marriage. We believe that the grass is always greener where you water it so our schedules must reflect the priority of home. Finish Together – One essential that every healthy marriage needs is security. We believe that couples need to know that together we can work anything out.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Dealing With The Unlovable Husband For Married Women It is easy to live in harmony when your husband is treating you well. But what if he’s not? How do you treat your husband when he is unloving and moody? Listen to what Jesus says regarding difficult relationships: “Love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayers for that person… If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously. “Here is a simple rule of thumb for your behavior. Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? …I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never—I promise —regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind. “Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, and criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don’t condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you’ll find life a lot easier. Give away your life; you’ll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity.” (Luke 6:27-38, The Message) One way you can tell that you are walking in the Spirit in your marriage is to ask: Is my husband’s response my goal, or am I doing this to please the Lord? God will enable you to be compassionate to someone who doesn’t deserve it, just as He was and is to you. Ask yourself, “Why is my husband moody and sharp with me?” Often the answer is that you are simply catching the overflow of what happened to him at work, with his parents, or with some other problem. Is this fair? No, but life isn’t always fair. Consider other possibilities as well: Is he stressed about something in particular? Is he fatigued due to extra house he’s putting in at work? Is he going through a difficult time with someone? Ask God to give you understanding and patience during these times and continue to treat your husband lovingly, regardless of how he may be treating you. Don’t be so sensitive that you let your feelings and emotions be set by another’s treatment of you. Jesus didn’t do that. He continued to live His life with honor, dignity, love, and mercy through the most difficult times. Don’t be judgmental or unfriendly. Don’t allow yourself to be too easily wounded, crushed, or hurt. Guard against bitterness and being quick to forgive. Ask Jesus to help develop these attitudes in you when you face challenging times. Be a Blessing Your job is to bless (1 Peter 3:9, The Message). Put another way, it reads like this: Never return evil for evil or insult for insult—scolding, tongue-lashing, berating; but on the contrary blessing—praying for their welfare, happiness, and protection, and truly pitying and loving them. For know that to this you have been called, that you may yourselves inherit a blessing [from God]—obtain a blessing as heirs, bringing welfare and happiness and protection. (1 Peter 3:9, AMP) Holy, beautiful women never return harsh words, but instead give a blessing back! One way to do this is through prayer. Do you see that the blessed outcome of our unselfish prayer for our husbands’ welfare, happiness, and protection is that we inherit these things as well? Have you and your husband ever been in the following cycle? He raises his voice; you raise yours. He becomes louder; you retaliate. This is an endless cycle, but the dynamics of it can be broken quickly if you no longer react. You can choose to act instead in a manner the Bible says is right. Your consistent, sweet, silent response to poor behavior may be the very thing God uses to change your husband. Don’t give in to the urge to let your silence be cold and stony. When Jesus was oppressed and afflicted, He did not open His mouth (Isaiah 53:7; Matthew 26:63; Matthew 27:12-14, NASB). Mark says that Pilate was amazed at how Jesus stayed silent in the midst of the accusations that were swirling around Him. Only when He was placed under oath and asked whether He was the King of the Jews did He humbly reply, “Yes, it is as you say” (Mark 15:2). If your husband is short-tempered and impatient, try remaining silent in love. Stop participating in the vicious cycle of “he gets angry; I get angry.” Choose not to react during heated times. Wait until your husband has cooled down or is more rested before discussing things. Suppose you had two dogs. Let’s say one was red and the other blue. What would happen if you fed only the red dog and not the blue one? The red dog would become bigger and stronger while the blue one became weaker. Over time, Red would thrive, while Blue shriveled away. Every time you act in a loving way toward your husband, it’s as if you’re feeding the red dog and refusing to feed the blue one. The basic principle is simple: Feed Red, and starve Blue! Each time you do this, it becomes more and more a part of your natural response. What you’re doing is training your mind to think in a new way, and each successive attempt becomes easier. Begin now to pray that you will have the strength to do this, and begin praying scripturally and fervently for your husband. How to Pray Scripturally An example is given in Colossians of a powerful way to pray. You might consider praying for your husband in such a way. Pray that he will: be filled with the knowledge of God’s will, have spiritual wisdom and understanding, walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, living a life full of integrity, please the Lord in all respects and do those things that bring glory to God, bear fruit in every good work, increase in the knowledge of God, be strengthened with all power according to the Lord’s glorious might, attain steadfastness and patience, joyously give thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. (Colossians 1:9-12)
The Three Callings Of A Husband For Married Men LOOK AT THE SCRIPTURE: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). This message has been around for thousands of years, so it’s nothing new. But this passage, recited in most traditional wedding ceremonies, is lightly acknowledged by the participants, who have little understanding of its meaning or its application in their own marriages. The same Scripture passage says a couple of verses earlier, “The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church” (v. 23). Sadly, however, too many of us deviate from the Writer’s script, instead allowing our culture’s ideas of what husbands and wives are to be to dictate our understanding of marriage. The result? Far too many marriages get off track. To understand and follow the script, we have to shut our ears, eyes, and minds to our culture and focus on God’s Word, something too few people are willing to do these days. Let’s face it: If you’re following Scripture, you’re going the opposite direction on a one-way street with everyone else honking their horns at you and questioning your sanity. But God’s Word tells us, “Don’t become so well adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out” (Romans 12:2, The Message). Now, let’s take a look at what the script says about what God calls husbands to do and be. 1 Called to Lead According to the word of God, a husband has three callings, the first of which is to be a leader, or “the head of the wife.” But what does that mean? It doesn’t mean control, passive non involvement, asserted superiority, or taking advantage. On the contrary, a husband must never use his role as leader for selfish benefit. To do so would deviate from the Writer and Director’s script. A husband must never put his wife into a straitjacket of compliance, or she will wither and her love for him will deaden. Even recent secular research has shown that what kills the love of a spouse for the other is in direct violation of Scripture —i.e., attempting to control our partner rather than serve them. The issue of the man’s leadership in the home has been a concern for years. Book after book has been written on this subject including Passive Men, Wild Women and Husbands Who won’t lead and Wives Who Won’t Follow. We’re talking about biblical headship —specifically the authority of the man to lead. But there are strings attached. Ephesians 5:22-23 states, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” This passage endows the authority of a husband’s headship, but it also defines and limits it. The analogy of Christ’s relationship to the church as a basis for the husband’s headship means that the only time he has the right to exercise family authority is when he does it in ways that are consistent with Christ’s nature and purpose. One powerful minister of God’s stated this well when he said, “Headship that transgresses the purposes of God loses God’s endorsement.” A man’s motives for leading a marriage spiritually can sometimes be mixed, but when he allows God to lead him and when his heart is open to God and His purposes, then his headship receives His support. So what does that kind of leadership look like in practical terms? The authority God gives men to lead is built on service. This is a difficult balancing and juggling act for many. The problem is not with the teaching, but with the man who misuses the teaching that he is to lead to serve his own needs and desires. Some men behave like drill sergeants, snapping out orders at their wives and children, which doesn’t reflect Scripture but their own selfishness and insecurity. The truth is, a husband is called to think of others—particularly his wife—first, ahead of himself. That’s not easy for many men. For one thing, the idea of being a servant leader runs counter to the thinking in our present-day “me” culture. But with some hard work and sacrifice, it can be done. I’ve seen both kinds of leadership. I’ve seen the self-appointed “dictators” who distort scriptural teaching for their own benefit. The result of this kind of leadership is that marriages and families suffer and fragment. But I’ve also observed men who are servant leaders, whose families flourished as a result. 2.AHusband is Called to Sacrificial Love God’s word also calls the husband to be not just a servant leader but also a lover, meaning that his headship of his family is not to exhibit dominating control but the sacrificial love of Jesus. And how did Christ love when He was on earth? He was single-minded in His mission of love as He spent time with the disciples and communicated with them, teaching them about forgiveness. He also led by example, helping strengthen the disciples where they were weak. He defended the disciples, praised them before the others, and revealed Himself to them. And why did Jesus do these things? It’s because He was concerned about the church’s well-being and future glory. That is how a husband is to love his wife. A husband represents Jesus in the home, and his role is to bring out God’s glory in his wife and lift her up —for her well-being. This is leadership that leaves a wife feeling special, valued, and loved. So how specifically can a husband do that? There are many ways, one of the most important being a husband’s putting his wife first over children, parents, siblings, work, TV, and hobbies. Doing this will strengthen a marriage. But conversely, not doing it will weaken the marriage. Another thing a loving husband can do is learn his wife’s “love language” —in other words, the ways she tends to best express and receive love from others —and package his love in a way that speaks to her and meets her needs. A husband is also to love his wife unconditionally, the same way God loves all of us. He is not to love her “because she…” but “regardless.” When a husband loves his wife sacrificially and unconditionally, then she more fully realizes God’s love and regard for her, and this in turn brings glory to Him. God expects us to care for one another. A husband who neglects or demeans his wife robs her of what God wants for her and robs himself of growth and development as well. Regarding couples caring for one another, because two people who marry are to be one, if either part damages, demoralizes, or degrades the other, then neither will be completely whole. Now a marriage with one side diminished will deprive both persons of fully being and doing what God desires. God has designed the similarities and differences of a man and woman in marriage to complement and support the spiritual growth of both. Neither part to the marriage can develop fully if either one is denied his or her personal potential. What an opportunity a husband has! It’s very much like Jesus’ redemptive work on behalf of the church in that a husband is not to live for himself, but should live to be used as a channel of God’s goodness in his wife’s life. He is to respond, react, speak, and think toward her in ways that enable her to develop who she is and to develop her gifts as a way to bring glory to God. An encouraging man does this. He’s a man who sincerely tells his wife, “I believe in you,” “Go for it,” and “How can I help you?” Called to Lead —and Love —Sacrificially A husband is to lead in his marriage by example and sacrificially, not by ordering or constantly instructing his wife. He is never, and I mean never, to tell his wife what the Scriptures say she is to do. Rather, his only focus is to be on loving his wife as Christ love the church —that is, sacrificially. In practical terms, this could mean, among other things, volunteering to bathe the children or massage his wife’s feet, turning off the football game and talking with her, or going shopping with her —even after he’s put in a twelve-hour day at work. Sacrificial love involves participating in something that is important or a favorite of hers, even if it’s relatively unimportant to you or definitely not one of you favorites. It may mean doing any of the following (although it’s not limited to any or all of these, and you can think of many more): • Initiating prayer with her without concern that your prayers may be briefer and more bottom-line than hers. • Learning to say these three phrases: “You were right,” “I was wrong,” and “I am sorry.” • Calling her with any delay of plans. • Practicing Proverbs 31:28-29 (praising her) consistently. • Accepting her communication style and opinions as different from yours, and not necessarily wrong. • Accepting her femaleness and celebrating the differences that come form it. • Asking for her opinion. • Discovering the uniqueness of her personality in order to understand her and communicate better. • Asking what television show or movie she would like to watch. Before we move on, ask yourself which of these you did these past weeks. Then ask yourself which of these you will do during the coming weeks. 3. Called to Lead by Learning. In most happy marriages, a husband must Accept his Wife’s Influence. It has been found out that men who enjoyed the most stable, happy marriages were also likely ones who listened to their wives’ suggestions and concerns and followed them. These were men who were willing to learn, change, and grow. I have found that to be true in my own marriage. Over the years, I have learned that my wife is innately gifted with knowledge, insights, and abilities I don’t have. That is probably why the apostle Peter wrote, “[Husbands,] live with your wives in an understanding way … and show them respect” (1 Peter 3:7, NCV), which very simply means that husbands are called on to understand their wives —how they think, how they respond emotionally, and what they need to feel loved and fulfilled in a marriage. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard men say, “I just don’t understand my wife.” My response to that is simply: You can learn! We men can be much worse than lacking in our knowledge of the opposite sex; we can be downright clueless! There is much each and every husband has to learn when it comes to loving their wives. But we can learn, and not only that, we need to learn. It’s not that difficult, either. It’s a matter of taking the time to be a student, a learner, first. So how can you learn? First, when your wife talks to you, be a listener before you’re a fixer. We men tend to want to rush ahead and “fix situations out wives talk to us about when most of the time, our wives just want us to listen to how they feel about their situation. For that reason, we should take the time to ask our wives, “Is this a fix-it time or learning time?” It goes against the grain of most men to hear this, but I have learned that listening is often one of the best ways to fix things. Second, be honest with your wife. Don’t hide. Share your hurts, your fears, your concerns, your disappointments, your life. Believe me, this will draw the two of you closer than you can imagine. And when you’re vulnerable, you’re leading in love, and she’ll want to follow. Your marriage needs to be re-created daily … The culture’s alternatives to marriage are destructive; God’s plan is flawless …The benefits of marriage are a carefully guarded secret … and “Me” or “We?”