Good Communication Is the Key to A Happy Marriage

Good Communication is the Key to a happy Marriage. God is the Great Communicator, and He has revealed many important communication principles in the Bible. By following these keys, we can strengthen our relationships and learn to think and act more like our loving Creator. Esther 7 tells the dramatic story of the conversation in which Queen Esther saved her people: "So the king and Haman went to Queen Esther's banquet. And while they were drinking wine that day, the king again asked her, 'Tell me what you want, Queen Esther. What is your request? I will give it to you, even if it is half the kingdom!' "And so Queen Esther replied, 'If Your Majesty is pleased with me and wants to grant my request, my petition is that my life and the lives of my people will be spared. For my people and I have been sold to those who would kill, slaughter, and annihilate us. If we had only been sold as slaves, I could remain quiet, for that would have been a matter too trivial to warrant disturbing the king.' "'Who would do such a thing?' King Xerxes demanded. 'Who would dare touch you?' "Esther replied, 'This wicked Haman is our enemy'" (Esther 7:1-6, New Living Translation). Let us learn a few communication skills. What Keys to Good Communication Does the Bible Give? What we say and how we listen to others is important to God. He warns us that "death and life are in the power of the tongue" and that we must give account of "every idle word" we speak (Proverbs 18:21; Matthew 12:36). What summary principles for good communication and interpersonal relations did James record? James 1:19 So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath... Many of the communication pitfalls that wreck relationships come from violating these three keys. We tend to be slow to listen but quick to speak our minds, and in the resulting confusion and selfishness we are very quick to get our feelings hurt and to get angry. In this lesson we will focus on the first two points James made: being swift to hear and slow to speak. Swift to Hear What happens if we are quick to speak instead of quick to hear? Proverbs 18:13 He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him. It's natural to think we know what other people want or need before they finish asking. And we generally assume that what we have to say is what the other person should really be interested in hearing. Listening skills are rarely taught and generally neglected. "You've spent years learning how to read and write, years learning how to speak. But what about listening? What training or education have you had that enables you to listen so that you really, deeply understand another human being from that individual's own frame of reference?" We have to overcome this lack of training by focusing on the other person and forcing ourselves to try to understand his or her viewpoint before sharing our own. What mind-set must we avoid in order to truly understand another person? Proverbs 18:2 A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart. We all want to, and are taught to, express ourselves. But when our desire for self-expression keeps us from trying to really understand the other person, we are being foolish and selfish. This is the opposite of the attitude the apostle Paul encouraged: "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others" (Philippians 2:3-4). Tips for improving our listening include: Smile and look the other person in the eye naturally (it's not a stare down). Ask questions to show you are interested and to clarify things you aren't sure of. Look for common ground. Try to block out distractions. Don't focus on rehearsing what you will say next. If the person expresses strong feelings, try to acknowledge them without becoming offended or angry yourself. Slow to Speak How did David ask God to help him with his communication? Psalm 141:3, New Living Translation Take control of what I say, O Lord, and keep my lips sealed. Psalm 19:14, New Living Translation May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Obviously David didn't mean he wanted his lips permanently sewn shut. Though we can't keep our lips sealed at all times, we all want our words to be pleasing to God. We can't get through life without communicating. In fact, Proverbs 10:19 clarifies that it is a "multitude of words" that generally causes the problem. We should avoid being overly talkative and garrulous. Also we must be very careful to think before we speak and to choose our words carefully. Whatever we say should be edifying and intended to reflect the nature of Christ and to glorify God. Let's look at some of the keys God gives for good communication. What should we choose to say? Colossians 4:6 Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one. Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. Romans 12:14-15 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. God wants us to choose our words wisely. Blessings and praiseworthy information should predominate our conversations. Matthew Henry's Commentary on Colossians 4:6 explains, "Grace is the salt which seasons our discourse, makes it savoury, and keeps it from corrupting." What should be the tone of our talk? 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. God's Spirit is the true source of our joy, and our reasonable response should be thankfulness. The apostle Paul regularly let people know he was thankful for them (1 Thessalonians 1:2), and we should follow his example. What should we avoid saying? Many destructive forms of communication, from profanity to gossip to offensive comments, are covered in our lesson "Communication Pitfalls." How should we say what we say? Proverbs 15:1-2 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness. Proverbs 25:11-12 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise rebuker to an obedient ear. Ephesians 4:15 ...but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ... When we speak softly, kindly, wisely, truthfully and with love, we can defuse negative feelings and promote positive relationships. Tips for improving our spoken communication include: Speak clearly, avoiding jargon and confusing ramblings. Be respectful. Use "I" statements ("I feel uncomfortable when...") instead of accusing. Apologize when needed. Be forgiving. Don't rush or cut the other person off. Don't talk just to fill the silence. Express appreciation and encouragement. If we practice these principles and add prayer, we can avoid many problems in our marriage. Let us ask the Holy Spirit to help us do the right thing and say the right words.

In Marriage God Must Be Involved

God Must Be Involved in Your Marriage For a marriage to be happy and successful for life, the husband and wife must include God as a partner in their marriage. They must acknowledge God as Supreme in their lives and together yield to what God instructs in the Bible about marriage. The marriage will fail if it is based on self-gratification and pleasure. Is God really involved in marriage? Malachi 2:14 Yet you say, "For what reason?" Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Mark 10:7-9 "'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." Marriage is a covenant that includes God! Many marriage ceremonies include words such as, "Do you faithfully promise and covenant with God, in the presence of these witnesses to take..." If we covenant with God, then this makes marriage on a far higher plane than simply agreeing to live together legally as husband and wife. It means we willingly submit to the role God must play in the marriage. We will live by His rules. What's the purpose of marriage? Ephesians 5:31-33 "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5 reveals how marriage is a type of the incredible love relationship between Jesus Christ and His Bride, the Church. No love could be greater! The Bible is the ultimate love story when understood in its overall concept and purpose. What is true love? 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails... Love isn't just a feeling of passionate desire for your lover and the unbearable thought of being apart. True love is based on outgoing concern for your partner. It's about self-sacrifice for the good of the one you love. In every marriage, things go wrong. What if the problem is not my fault? Proverbs 14:12 There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death. Philippians 2:3-5 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus... Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 1 Thessalonians 5:15 See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all. Over time, seemingly insignificant irritations can get blown out of proportion, and before long, couples say or do things that are offensive to each other. The result? Arguments, conflict and, all too often, shouting matches. It is often very difficult to see our own faults. We're always right in our own eyes, so we naturally place the blame on our partner. This mind-set started way back in the Garden of Eden when Adam blamed Eve, and Eve blamed the serpent (Genesis 3:12-13). But even if it really is not our fault, loudly insisting the other person take all the blame is not helpful. The optimal solution instead involves seeking peace, not revenge (Matthew 5:9; Romans 12:17-21). It involves seeking win-win strategies. The Bible shows that sometimes our good actions can, over time, win over our mate (1 Peter 3:1). Ideally, both partners will eventually work together to solve their problems. Some negative ways of dealing with conflict are withdrawing, winning, yielding, and compromising. The ideal way of dealing with conflict is by resolving the conflict. It may take longer, but the relationship is then strengthened and needs are met on both sides. What should we say to help heal our relationships? Psalm 51:1, 10 (New Living Translation) Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins... Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me. Ephesians 4:32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her... Titus 2:4 (New Living Translation) These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children. When we sin, first we must repent and become right with God. Then we can seek His help in restoring the relationship. In every marriage relationship, there are several phrases that can help heal the damage that has been done due to conflicts and arguments. Three key phrases are listed below. 1. "I'm sorry." Use this one often, and mean it! Tell your spouse you're sorry for saying or doing the thing that has upset him or her. Whether you were right or wrong, it doesn't matter; your actions have had a negative impact on the spouse you love, and you should apologize for that. 2. "I forgive you." Jesus Christ died to forgive us of our sins. His great sacrifice should motivate us to be willing to forgive others. 3. "I love you." When said sincerely, this declaration cannot be overused. We need to know we are loved by the person we love. This short, sincere phrase, backed by loving actions, can put to rest all of our negative feelings, hurts, resentments and faults and can melt the heart of the one hearing these three beautiful words. Can the Flame Burn Again? Some may feel like the romance and excitement is long gone in their marriage. They stay together for convenience or for the sake of the children or other family members. But, as the well-known song asks, "Where is the love?" Can my marriage really be happy? Proverbs 5:18-19 Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. Ecclesiastes 9:9 Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun. Yes, your marriage can be happy! The Bible reminds us that a wife is a blessing from God and tells husbands to "bring happiness" to their wives, starting from the first year of the marriage (Proverbs 18:22; Deuteronomy 24:5). To achieve happiness, it's important to keep the perspective that it's not "my" marriage but "our" marriage. The two of you are in this together and need to work together to bring life and energy back to the marriage if it has been lost. If you've been married a few years, find ways to rekindle the spark that led to your marriage in the first place. What attracted you to your spouse? Why did you get married? Try dating your spouse again! Some marriage partners have rekindled this desire by asking God for a loving, humble attitude and doing things to show love to their mate, even when they don't feel like it. Many married people have found that the feelings they long for return when they start doing the things that bind two people together Beyond the romance, the marriage relationship should also be a close and growing friendship. Consider this excellent advice: "Enjoying your spouse as both friend and marriage partner will help override many marital disagreements, whether financial or social. Couples who remain in love almost inevitably must also be good friends. They will share the ups and downs that are common within the marriage relationship" Did I really mean "for better or worse"? As we saw in Malachi 2:14, marriage is a covenant. When we took our marriage vows, we probably repeated words like "for better or worse." Did we really mean it? No matter what the situation might be right now in your marriage, can't you work together to make it better? Do you have the option to give up if the situation has become "worse"? God says He "hates divorce" (Malachi 2:16), and His expectation is for you to be committed to your marriage for life. Paul also gave instructions to Church members not to divorce (1 Corinthians 7:10-11), and Jesus Christ gave narrow definition to the terrible circumstances that would allow for divorce and remarriage (Matthew 19:3-9). A helpful exercise to begin restoring the love in your marriage is to go back and watch a video of your wedding if you have it. Listen to the words the minister is saying. Say those vows to each other again. If you don't have this available to you, click on this link to read a wedding ceremony. In difficult times when you have tried everything you know how to do, it can be helpful to seek wise counsel (Proverbs 4:7; 11:14). Healthy, mature people are not afraid to seek help when they need it. Can we learn to love again? Ephesians 5:22-28 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. As we are seeing, love is not to be confused with infatuation. Love is selfless concern for another. True love will build up the one you love, not tear him or her down. True love will want to give and serve the other, not take in selfish disregard for the desires of your spouse. A husband should treat his wife like his queen, and a wife should treat her husband as her "knight in shining armor"—as corny as that might sound. Or, as the apostle Paul wrote in Ephesians 5, we should treat each other as Christ and His Church do.

IT IS TIME TO PRAY

Friend in the institution of marriage, have you struggled to find happiness in your marriage? Perhaps it’s time you and your spouse invited God to direct your relationship. If you would like to do so, we encourage you to pray the following: "Dear God, thank you so much for bringing us together as a couple. We know that you have a plan and a purpose for our marriage, and we invite you, Lord Jesus, to forgive the past self-centeredness, and come into our lives and relationship. Direct our steps from now on. Please give us the grace to put You and each other first every day. Make our relationship a blessing to others. But most of all; make it a blessing to you. In Jesus’ name, Amen."

Wives

Wives, let us enjoy this new week as we practice our God given roles as wives. Wives must; •Submit to the leadership of your husband in the home. A husband is the head of the family, but you are a single unit. You have great input and influence in family decisions. Don’t be slow or timid to graciously give your opinions (Ephesians 5:31). •Respect your husband. A disrespectful wife will soon lose her husband, and gain his bitterness. Let humility be your beautiful garment. •Love your husbands (Titus 2:4). Care for them. Encourage and support them. Be faithful to them (cf. 1 Peter 3:1, 2). Help them succeed, because your success is tied to theirs. As Peter said, “let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit, not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead” (1 Peter 3:8, 9). Be happy people in your Christian marriage.

HUSBANDS

Husbands, this new week let us think of our roles as husbands. Husbands as Christian, you must •Love her as you do your own body, and as Christ loves you (Ephesians 5:25, 28). Keep her best interests at heart always. •Cherish and nourish her, and help her to reach the full potential Christ has for her (Ephesians 5:29). This also means to support, take care of, and protect her. Treat her as special and important – the greatest gift you will ever have. •Live with her tenderly, gently, and faithfully. Avoid grudges and bitterness (Colossians 3:19). Give her great honor and understanding (1 Peter 3:7). •You are the head of the home, but if you are wise, you will listen very carefully to the wisdom God has given your wife. A good general always listens to his advisors. Remember, you and your wife are two sides of one union (1 Corinthians 11:11, 12). Be careful how you exercise authority. Just as a worker will quit a domineering boss, a wife will quit a domineering husband